This morning I woke up frustrated without any particular reason. It is many days since I am waking up like this. I prayed that all the tension that I feel in my neck and upper back would go away, let me be light again.

I washed my 2 water vessels, I drank a little bit of honey with warm water… maybe, maybe my satisfaction would just remember to come back to me. or I to her.

Then coffee, and as I was looking at it, letting itself be embraced by the water, I remembered that we all have those sweet moments in our life, when we wake up with gratitude in our bellies, but not really aware that we are experiencing life enjoyment because of it, we just ride the wave of satisfaction. I used to be this kind of person. And I know others that have fallen out of this state of grace. And others that have gotten back up. And others that have never fallen because they have realised the secret just in time. 

This morning I did not feel to ask my heart, how can I serve you today?

I asked how can I satisfy this energy that is this life writing to you now?

I am naming this blog Being Human, because I need to remember myself into this simple wording. I need to write because my soul needs spaciousness. And I must give it this food. I hope you will find food for you too, here. 

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We could say that this blog is a journey of turning frustration into satisfaction. Or using dissatisfaction as a fuel to inspire. 

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I am a movie lover. Yesterday, I rewatched Chef, and as usual, saw new things in it, in me. I am again looking for a job, that is not writing- my love, but something to help me care for my needs. The thing is I have not discovered yet the recipe to receive money through the work that I love. I can say hands on heart that this is the biggest root of my suffering. I dread the feeling of doing something that my being does not love. But there is wisdom in that experience, I have come to realise, after some survival jobs I did. Still, I am trying at least to do something that I like… playing with ingredients… serving food to others.

Today, I am 35 years old. I have been writing to create space, solace and understanding inside of me since around 16.

In between my 20s and 30s, I worked in hospitality, mainly with specialty coffee and wow, I fell in love with that feeling of being in the right place, doing the right thing, for the right reasons. And I loved Her, Coffee. I even had the honor to roast it. I told her his morning- I still love you. She felt so alive in my hands, in my blood. Because of many, deep rooted, unprocessed shadows lurking to suck the life force out of my being, I lost everything. And at the beginning of my 30s I began a journey of healing my anxiety, confusion, stress, pride and other fear frequencies.

I began to study streams and people of wisdom. And I loved studying. I still do. It is one of my spiritual natural tendencies, to be a student and teacher of life. And this was reflected to me also in my coffee journey, I would deeply enjoy to guide others into the mysteries and creativity of coffee.

The thing is… on a personal level, I betrayed my heart…I allowed myself to lose things that were really important to me. I contemplated that my physical tension is about my inner interconnectedness, my energetic fascia. I became very tense, constricted because I judged myself harshly for the many mistakes I made. I was so needy for love and touch, that I accepted to corrupt my integrity. A journey to forgive myself, to allow myself to be happy again, despite all the failure I feel I have caused to myself and others.

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The food critic in chef says ’ I buy ink by the barrel’ to state his mastery. And I found it wow that the translation in Romanian of the word chef is maestru/ master. inspiring me that satisfaction is the recognition of that which belongs to your journey of self- mastery and pursuing it whole heartedly, buying ink by the barrel meaning to invest a lot of fuel in your choice of craft. But is it really a choice?

I think our energies respond to the options that are out there, we explore, and say, oh, yes, this is something that makes me feel satisfied. let’s build a life onto this foundation. 

like specialty coffee was for me. but like in Chef movie, clinging to our professional anchor without doing our shadow work… in this case, both my life and Chef’s life… healing our reactivity, our anger, our avoidance, our dissatisfaction. recognizing when something does not make us happy anymore and making the change is crucial to maintaining peace with self, with life and others. we tend to project our frustrations onto others, when it is actually just and right to take a holiday and clear out on what needs to change. I postponed too much doing the work of integrating my shadows and all the coffee bridges broke. I am still grieving, even if many years have gone by. Still holding on to some sort of resentment and romanticizing some parts of the past.. that is definitely keeping me in the illusion, in the loop of confusion. I know, I know. I am getting there. I am a late bloom. Give me a break from expectations. Let me do this in my own rhythm. I wish that I find many reader friends through this blog. So that we may feel warmer in our lives.

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Another thing that caught my attention in Chef this rewatching time, when he spoke with the publicist for public image advice… saying he does not need money, he needs a job – a structure basically for his mastery, his gift. But because still clinging to the flavor fear of arrogance, he was not ready to face the fact that what makes him unhappy is that he is not free to express his creativity. He is afraid to truly unleash his inner artist. But the mirrors, the women, the energy of being, help him return to his core stability, guide him with firm tenderness towards taking leadership for this life, for his profession and returning to Miami, where it all began, basically returning to 0.

See, passion – mastery is also about finding the right structure to grow in and although it is part of the progress to experience also a ( creative ) rut routine, to harness precision needed in our development towards mastery. we must anticipate and prepare for the moment that we need to let go of the old structure and move into a new one that better fits our soul satisfaction. and there is no one actually to blame that things turn out this way. all actors, negative and positive have the main role to guide us towards living our highest fulfillment. you see his avoidance pattern very clear in his interaction with his son. avoiding to be really present, he misses to extract the gold, the enrichment of the experience. Avoidance is part of the artistry too. It is embedded in the energy of change. We are avoiding looking honestly at all levels of life. We make sure we continue to wear the glasses of artificial safeness. We must harmness this wild horse of avoidance and use its white side. Like using art of avoidance to protect our peace – our essential, instead of using it to run away from our peace and essential. but for this to happen, we must  take courage to change.

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This movie helped me look deeper at what is the right thing to do to honor and respect the word that I have given to myself and to others. What do I need to reactualize? I am clearly in a journey of recuperating my integrity. I am in the midst of inner chaos to learn this lesson. And I think that this is the reason of my attraction towards cooking movies  ( I think we need more cooking movies ) and kitchen jobs. chaos is in the same team with harmony. harmony is seen and felt easiest for us, human beings, in the food we create, we experience. food expresses the essence of an alchemist. Most of us, here on planet earth, are alchemists at core. But, until we wake up to ignite the power of our satisfied bellies, we drown in our addiction to frustration. as we fail to serve our personal satisfaction, we fail to be in the Stream of Service. that is why self- love is vital. 

I have seen with my own heart eyes how happy I become when I interact with someone living their passion. I am instantly enriched by the emanation of their joy. first of all, it is not the planet that we have to change, but ourselves, the human beings, the neurons of the planet, the network that humanity is. through self study, self acceptance, self allowing, we can give ourselves permission to follow our joy and in our radiance, we inspire others to do so.

now, excuse me,

i need to go buy ink by the barrel

see in the next post.

if you would like to support me buy my ink, you can donate at https://www.paypal.me/IAMANKah

thank you.

and thanks to Inspiration for being in the house, leading me to start this blog project, in the name of soul satisfaction.